I have been wanting to talk about this film for a while now, and it looks like today is the damn day. Murder Mansion, or La Mansion De La Niebla, is a 1972 film from spanish director, Francisco Lara Polop. It thrives on the cheesy 70s camera zooms and haunted house cassette tape score.
Here’s the synopsis given by IMDB: “A couple, lost in thick fog, take refuge in an old mansion near a cemetery. Strange things start to happen.” From that description, you’d think I would know who the couple is from seeing the movie, but you’d be wrong, probably due to the fact that there are way too many characters in this damn film. To make matters worse, all of the women look far too much alike. They were right to mention the fog, however, because it’s all these people can talk about.
Murder Mansion starts off like any horror film worth mentioning. That’s right, with a twenty minute chase scene set to a jazzy bass score. It’s not so much a chase scene, as it is a waste of useful exposition time to set up some of the thousands of characters in this film. A man drives a motorcycle. A man with a goatee drives a car, continuously cutting off the motorcycle, and an older waspy looking couple are also driving a car, all riding along a winding road to the sounds of Seinfeld. The goatee man picks up a hitchhiker, attempts to feel her up, and then they all end up at the same gas station/bar. The motorcycle man convinces the woman to ride with him instead of the goatee groper, who argues that if she goes with him, “something will happen.” The whole thing is badly dubbed. Are you getting the vibe yet?
Here’s where we are introduced to our leading lady, and as far as scream queens go, she’s no Jamie Lee. She’s no Janet Lee. Hell, I’d take Bruce Lee at this point, he at least projects. Wait a minute, I just realized this movie is dubbed, so the whisper-mumble-screams she talks in might not be her. Either way, she wears too much eyeliner and has some mental issues that cause her to have panic attacks over nothing, so let’s get her lost in a cemetery.
Pretty much from here, all of the characters are lost in the dark and whining incessantly about the fog. The motorcycle duo almost get run over by a Rolls Royce, the old man is yelling at his wife, and Elsa takes the cake by freaking the fuck out by simply seeing a man in the cemetery. He’s at least 30 feet from her, and walking very slowly, yet she starts wide eyed trembling and doing that whisper screaming she does throughout. If she is already at a ten with zero signs of danger, I can’t wait to see how far she goes when she’s actually in trouble. This scene goes on a bit with the man getting about 20 feet from her as she continues to show absolute horror, and then a woman is seen in the fog, and Elsa says her first audible sentence, “Oh god, not two!” She finally runs away when they’re on top of her. The best line in the film goes to the motorcycle woman, also lost and talking about the fog, “I keep getting the strangest feeling we’re on another planet.” WHAT does that even mean? Haven’t these people experienced weather before?
Cut to a bedroom somewhere, Elsa’s husband is with his mistress. We find out that Elsa hasn’t been the same since her father died of a heart attack in bed with one of her college friends.
Back in the fog, Elsa runs into the motorcycle couple, and they try to ask her what’s wrong, but all she can do is hyperventilate. Finally she manages to say she hears something, “like a deep sigh”, and then they all bond over the fog. She tells them that she saw a man who looked like a chauffeur, but they must think she’s crazy. Wrong. I do. Nothing has happened yet. Let’s look at this reasonably: 1.There is fog. That has been well established. 2. She gets lost in a cemetery; Minor creepiness. Then… she sees a man. As long as she hasn’t gotten a copy of the script, she has nothing to freak out about yet.
Moving on, “the dead are buried near the living” so they start to search for the village. They come across an abandoned Rolls Royce and now it becomes clear to them all the connection of the car that almost hit them and the chauffeur looking man who…walked toward Elsa. Can I take back my favorite line? Because Elsa hits us with “What is this awful place? I’ve never heard of it! I’m sure it doesn’t exist!” It’s a cemetery, Elsa. Calm the fuck down. Also, just because you’ve never heard of a town, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Just like not overreacting seems to exist to everyone else.
They come across a mansion, so they knock on the door and are greeted by the goatee groper, holding a gun. He’s found the place as well as the old couple. Oh, what a night. They tell Elsa’s gang that a man tried to break in, and guess what he was dressed as? The camera zooms in on Elsa’s face as she says, “Boots, you say??” Then another woman walks down the stairs, talking about what else… but the goddamn fog. She tells them a vampire story and we hear movement coming from the basement. She urges them not to check it out, because once she saw a rat. Then goatee groper says (Favorite line #3) “I’ll try to kill it with my gun.” They continue hearing the story about the woman who lived in the house, a witch, who died with her chauffeur. Elsa takes this news calmly and…just kidding, she obviously loses her shit, so the woman of the house hands her a tranquilizer like it’s an advil. Even stranger, she tucks her into bed, pulling a blanket up and saying “This will keep you warm.” Uh, yeah. That’s what blankets are for.
Goatee groper keeps trying to come into everyone’s rooms, and eventually suffers a heart attack just by seeing the chauffeur. Never has a killer had to do so little. Elsa wakes up to the old witch from the story laying next to her and she runs to another room with, I don’t know, more women. They all hide out, while Elsa does nothing to help the situation, and the motorcycle couple run out into the fog.
Downstairs, the witch and chauffeur are ripping off their masks and speaking loudly about their plans in the middle of the living room. They’re Elsa’s husband and mistress in case you didn’t guess it.
Some time passes and Elsa walks slowly down the stairs and sees dead bodies laid out across the room. Sorry, no, she doesn’t. She trips over one and then sees them. Then her husband walks into the room saying “Elsa” and she shoots him about 15 times. Mind you, she doesn’t even find out he was the chauffeur. She just sees her father’s face because she’s nuts, and keeps pulling the trigger long after running out of bullets. She falls to the floor, crying, and we see the motorcycle couple driving off into the sunset with triumphant music. THE END…
So, the whole movie was a plan by Elsa’s shitty husband to make her go insane. That I get, but did he really have no idea how close this woman already was to snapping? This plan was far too elaborate, and at the same time, confusing as hell to me what was planned and what wasn’t. Were any of these people involved in it? How did he know she would end up at the mansion? He didn’t plan the fog, did he? If you like making sense of things, you might want to skip this one, but if you like dramatic readings, extreme close ups, gong sounds and fog, check it out. Let me know what you think after.
Till’ next time,
Madame of Horror
Madame of Horror 
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